This is my new track, titled “Free” - its a pre-mix, the final going up on soundcloud in a couple days. In the mean time, check this out if you’re interested - lots of bass. Enjoy!
- The following is a stream of consciousness from a week ago that I find pretty relevant still, so I thought I’d post it. Enjoy! -
Sometimes I just have no idea what I want to say. Something is begging to come out, but I feel something and nothing all at once. Like clever prose can flow but ultimately nothing comes out - like a leaky faucet that waters the cockroaches that feed on the scraps of someone else’s feast.
Sometimes I feel inspired to make a magnum opus, an epic of great magnitude to relate to the world that, in fact, you are not alone. We suffer the same, and we have victory over the same. Addictions weigh us down. Hope lifts us up. Our friends are enemies and our enemies are friends sometimes. The love of our life turns into the lust of a past life. We want what we can’t have and we rarely appreciate what we do. We want peace and we get pieces. We use people but end up alone.
This world is full of contradictions- we embody them, we choose them. A war wages on between what we want and what we don’t- immediate desire vs delayed gratification. It makes sense tho doesn’t it? Delayed gratification is tomorrow’s immediate desire. Who knows if we will make it til tomorrow? So why put off for tomorrow when you can have today? Why put yourself through unnecessary discomfort?
But I have to wonder- is that what we want- comfort? Is that actually life? Isn’t it the uncomfortable moments in life that make your life memorable? Every vivid memory I have is of a time that was uncomfortable to me in that moment, but pushed my personal boundaries a little farther than they were. They expanded the area of home. From the time that I printed CDs and handed them to strangers to the time I drove halfway across the country for a woman I loved. The nights spent underneath blankets curled up in the cab of a pickup in Los Angeles because I didn’t have a home, and feeling the butterflies in my stomach as I caught the glimmer in the eye of the first girl I felt something more for than just friendship.
In these moments we take a leap of faith. We put our faith in something, always. Sometimes it’s God, sometimes it’s ourselves, and sometimes it’s the drugs, but when we take that leap we hope and pray that we land on our feet. And in the moment that we don’t, we feel the sting of embarrassment, until we watch that memory play from the comfort of home on our mind’s television set and laugh along with the rest.
Because, you see, it’s not that serious. The moment is simply the moment. But our biases and misrepresentations of the past and future are what guide us to the next moments. In other words, how we handle one situation is how we handle another, and another, and another.
Maybe I’m rambling, and maybe Im full of shit, but aren’t we all?
This isn’t a pitiful self-indulgence, just an observation I’ve made recently. It seems the more intimately I have shared my life, my personality, my strengths and weaknesses with any individual, the farther they have distanced themselves from me. The more that I have shared of myself to them, the more they’ve been left changed, damaged, or in an other form spiteful, indifferent, or in direct opposition to me.
So this has me thinking, contemplating my life in general. It has me thinking about what’s right and what’s wrong and how to distinguish between the two. I’m the kind of person that asks “why” a whole lot and gets relatively sparse answers, but this is the kind of stuff that keeps me awake at night.
I really hate to say this, but it has been in these moments of vulnerability that I have realized that we are all selfish people afraid of pain. In the Bible it says to grieve with those who grieve, to rejoice with those who rejoice, to bear the burden with your brothers. But the truth is, people don’t do that - at least, the people I know. And if I was honest, I’d say that I really don’t do that either, and maybe that’s why I don’t see it. As a good friend of mine once told me, “The best friend you can have is the best friend you can be.”
There is so much energy torrentially rushing through my mind and body that its hard to capture all of it. Memories replay like silent movies in my mind, and the old anxieties and smiles come together while they play. Even inner monologues I had replay, and new commentary is added. I see all these crushed cans of PBR littered along the countertops, and I can feel the hangover again. I watch the coffee drip slowly from the black and gray coffee maker, and my fat arm reaches for the half-empty bottle of Svedka surrounded by the aluminum graveyard of miller lite, colt 45, and whatever was on sale at the liquor store down the street.
As I pour from that deep blue bottle into the coffee mug, something changed in my mind. I realized how depressed I was. I realized that my dreams were broken, and that I was commiserating with people I thought were friends, but we held a common bond of sadness that kept us drinking too much, smoking too many cigarettes, and keeping us down in hopes that one day luck would change.
Chicago changed me, and I’m not sure if it was in a good way. I lost a good friend before I left, over my anger at how he handled a situation, and over the pride I had for my reputation to a bunch of strangers. And a different night when he got high, he barraged me with insults that hit my core so deeply with absolutely no remorse, even to this day. I don’t think he realized that his monologue directed at me had hit me so deep that today I still can see every detail of that room and who was in it. It was exactly at that same moment that a switch was flipped in my mind.
Two months later, I had lost 35 pounds and a lot of the love I had for the midwest.
So here I am in sunny weather, but that conversation still haunts me. Its the shit like that that makes you wonder if you’re really good enough, you know what I mean? It makes you wonder if its worth having friends, because it makes you wonder if you’re just a let-down to people. It makes you wonder if you’ll ever be good enough. It makes you wonder if you really have the capacity to love anyone, romantically or platonically.
So its days like today that I polish up my hypocrite badge and wear it with all its shiny glory while I wonder how the fuck to even be a good friend or human being in general.
And even though you never even said goodbye to me, even though I had remorse for hurting you, you didn’t, and you gave me the longest lasting farewell present anyone did. So sleep soundly at night while I’m two hours behind counting every calorie, wrestling with anxiety and isolationism, and body checking at the appearance of every reflective surface in my point of view. Keep trying to validate your life while I try to not think about how big of a worthless piece of shit I keep thinking I am since you had to drill that down to the fiber of my being. And I’d like you to keep 50 pounds above your head to know that wasn’t all you took away from me.
Maybe one day I’ll forgive you, but until then, go fuck yourself.
I don’t have a scruffy beard anymore. Also, I feel like I look too hip for LA today. #thuglife #hollywood
This is the type of stuff I’ve been making in my absence from the internet. I’ll be posting the final products very soon to iTunes and soundcloud.
For Lent this year I decided to give up something that, embarrassingly, was a big part of my life - facebook. It was eating up waaaaayyy too much of my time and killing my productivity, and I started to realize that it was manifesting as an addiction in the same way I had been addicted to binge eating and cigarettes, and I decided that it was time to cut the cord.
Now I know some of you may not celebrate lent or do anything that extreme. The most common things I see are giving up chocolate, or giving up meat on one day of the week, and this isn’t to discount that - I’m just an extreme person, so I wanted to go all out.
To be sure, my first 4 days were really difficult. Any time I was feeling the pressure when I was working on music I’d hit “fa” into my search bar and then realize that my nervous tick was coming out. I had to consciously stop myself from doing it. But I realized that the best way to eliminate something in life is to switch it with something else.
Often times people switch addictions when they want to quit something. If you’re a person with an addictive personality or a tendency toward addiction, like me, you’ve probably seen this in your own life. So then I realized that my nervous tick went into checking email, tumblr, twitter, finance blogs, fitness forums, etc. And that all turned into a whole different beast.
After I started being mindful of the other manifestations of my procrastinations (no rhyme intended), I decided, “Hey, I need to actually get away from my computer and start being productive.” It was at this point, a couple weeks into lent, that I feel like I started actually making progress.
It started with one weekend at the beach after being sick of working all day every day for a few weeks straight, either between my job or on music. I had had enough, so I just said, “F this, I’m going to cruise the PCH.” There’s something about the open road on the coast, with the salty ocean air coming into and out of my body that gives me clarity, so I pondered while I gently guided my wheel along the twists and turns of the beaches and hills. I truly needed to do something that I’d never done before and put myself out of my own element. I figured with a few weeks left, I could do a whole BUNCH of things with all this free time that I now had since I wasn’t procrastinating LIFE.
So here’s what I did:
- Tried all the foods that I had been meaning to, and also a bunch of ones I never did want to (chicken liver, for example)
- Started meditating every day, even if only for a couple minutes
- Fixed my bike and started riding that for longer distances instead of using my car, which I now run twice a week to move to opposite sides of the street for street cleaning
- learned how to sprout my own food
- explored the farmer’s market and how to save money on my groceries
- acquired several new programs for music production and learned how to use them all. Now I’m inventing new sounds that haven’t been made in dance music, because that takes time.
- began my process of elimination and trimmed the fat of life so that I began the path to manifesting the life I want. Ex.: I got rid of netflix, got spotify premium, downsized possessions, maximized my savings and eliminated unnecessary spending
- celebrated my birthday with the most people I ever have
- produced more music than I ever had
- learned many of the music theory things I had been putting off for months because I “didn’t have any time.”
- read every single day
- started the habit of doing yoga/stretching every day
- contacted a grammy-nominated songwriter and producer and had conversations about how to write songs effectively
- completely changed my self-talk and personal belief structure about who and what I am
and the biggest one:
- broke my binge eating and isolationism, and started being intentional toward my friends and others to enrich their lives through selfless motivation, even if that’s uncomfortable.
Doing new things sometimes is uncomfortable, but when we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone, we can often times discover better things and ideologies.
Now that this 40 day challenge is over, I don’t think I’ll really spend much time on facebook ever again. I see certain necessities it has for this day and age, how people connect and do business, but when it gets down to it, its merely a tool - not a lifestyle. But since I had this experience, I’ve started to see the limits of what I can and cannot do, and who establishes those limits:
So now that they don’t exist anymore, I plan on doing more of these challenges in hopes that I may inspire others to do the same.
Thank you for reading, and Happy Easter
Today I woke up one day older, on a day that made me feel one year older. Realistically, time chips away, it doesn’t slice away life. But it’s a nice reminder on your birthday the brevity that we so often forget.
What is money, possession, or comfort to the company of those who love you, time in the nature of God’s green earth, and the appreciation of your location? What is pursuit of happiness when you can find it in a sunrise, or a sunset?
There’s a lot I don’t know, but I know enough to know that life moves slow, but it ends fast. Daylight brings potential energy, night time brings celebration. I don’t freak out about life anymore, because I’m not concerned about the past or the future. Of course I have goals, but I don’t know if I have tomorrow. But I know I have today, and I’ll take all the juice that it offers.
So if you want to celebrate my birthday with me, introduce yourself to a stranger and then do something nice for them. That’s what I’d want on any other day, and what’s a birthday but just one more day to do some good?
Here’s to aging slowly.